in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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