dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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