You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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