Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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