I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
