How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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