I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I think my fart just growled at me.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
