I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
