Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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