I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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