Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
