dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
