Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
