dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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