he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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