We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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