I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
