did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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