i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
