we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
