So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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