Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
