I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
