I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
How external is "for external use only"?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
