my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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