Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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