guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
