So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
