had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
