if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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