Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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