You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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