I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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