Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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