We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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