Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
