Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Say something about gay babies.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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