i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
