The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
