U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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