you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
