I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
