i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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