Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
