He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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