I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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