That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
