farters have to be the big spoon...
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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