He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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