I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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